It seems like now a days, there’s so much pressure when it comes to dating—especially for females. In one of my previous blogs, I talked about “the rules” when it comes to who pays for dates, how much or how long it should take before money is spent and lastly, is there a price on the pussy? But one question that is often discussed is how long should a woman wait before she decides to give up the goods?
In Steve Harvey’s book Think Like A Man, Steve clearly states that a woman should wait 90 days before any sexual benefits are given to a man. He says it is a probation period to basically determine if the man is worthy of “the greatest benefit of all—the cookie.” I do understand the logic as far as; really, thoroughly getting to know a man, knowing what he’s about and knowing what his intentions are to determine if he’s worthy of your love. Me personally, I can’t agree with the time frame though. Although three months really isn’t that long, the quantity of time does not dictate the quality of time.
What if I meet somebody and from the day we meet our chemistry is outrageous? What if we’re looking for the same things, have the same values, ambitions, beliefs and goals and spend every day together from the first day we meet? I’m sure that if there’s that much mental and intellectual chemistry, the physical will follow naturally. Now on the opposite end of the spectrum, if you’re waiting to have sex for spiritual reasons then that is completely different.
For myself personally, if I’m very interested in a man, I do want to take my time and get to know him, get to know what he’s about and let him get to appreciate me mentally and emotionally before the physical takes place. Many times once sex happens, it can make your vision blurry and have you confusing lust for love and ignoring warning signs that may have been clearer before sex became involved. Women naturally are more emotional creatures than men, so at times when sex happens too prematurely, feelings can develop that aren’t reciprocated.
In my SATQC forum one woman said, “Sometimes the chemistry is just there. Personally I think women struggle the most with this with all the double standards. With men it’s ok, but for the female if she puts out too quick she deals with all the self talk. Was that too soon? Is he going to judge me? Can we really grow from here?” I can definitely relate to this. It’s so much pressure to wonder if the man will respect you the next day? Will he call you? Now that he got what he wanted, is he still interested?
One man said, “I think once u start setting when it should happen, the partner could lose interest and chemistry that was once felt.” I can’t agree with this notion. If a man loses interest or the chemistry dies because the woman either wants to wait or puts a timestamp on it, then he was really never that interested in the female.
A lot of people agree that if the chemistry is there then by all means indulge. It’s very true that you can’t put a time limit AT ALL on chemistry, but shouldn’t sex have more stipulations than just chemistry? One woman said, “I don’t have a set time limit, but I don’t go off chemistry alone. There’s a comfort and familiarity I have to have. Chemistry can be there from day one, but I still know nothing about this dude so he’s not about to get in the precious cargo until I pick his mind and get some man hours logged.” That’s exactly how I feel! Okay we have chemistry, okay sparks fly when we’re together, but let’s spend some time together. Let’s get into each other’s head before we get into each other’s bed. There’s really no specific time you can put on it. It could take 90 days or 9.
From a young girl, it was always drilled in my head that a man will respect you more if you make him wait and not give it up so easily but of course we tell young girl’s things like this to prevent them from having sex too fast but as an adult it’s different. I posed a question to the men in my forum asking them if they valued a woman more if she made them wait and the answers were quite interesting. One man said, “You’re gonna value her either way. I don’t think sex will determine that. If u respect her before sex, you will respect her after.” In a perfect world that sounds nice, but I find it hard to believe. So then I asked, “So basically most of you are saying that timing has nothing to do with it and if a chick just gave it to you even before really getting to know you that does not determine AT ALL what you think about her?” One man answered and said, “Won’t say that. I’ll say it’s not a determining factor on if I want to pursue a relationship.” And another man said, “Two of my longest relationships came from the vibe and chemistry exhibited during a day one or early romp session. I respect her a little more for doing what she wants when she wants instead of fronting.”
It’s fair to say that men and women think completely different but at the same time want “it” just as bad as one another. I always say, I know within the first few encounters after spending with a man if I want to take it there with him. It’s for him to “act right” to get it. Not saying it’s going to take 90 days or 9 days, it’s all about the chemistry, the vibe, the connection and the intentions. As a female I do value myself and I value what I have to offer mentally and physically. So although there’s no set time on when I should give it up and chemistry is a major determining factor, some quality time and conversations definitely need to occur before I take it there. But everybody is different though and what works for one may not work for the other, but these are just my thoughts.
Until next time,
Ya Girl LG