Guarded…by J. Noell

I must admit that when I speak of relationships it often comes off as the ranting and raving of a cynical bitch. But I’d much rather shed my clothes than shed the protective armor I’ve skillfully crafted to protect my heart. The truth is I am a guarded woman. I don’t hate men and K. Michelle is not on heavy rotation in my house. I don’t spend my nights crying about love lost and connections never made while regurgitating hate-filled speech towards the opposite sex. I am simply on constant defense. And can you really blame me? We live in a world where “playing games” is common place and honesty is a commodity most can’t afford to possess. Which leaves women like myself with little option other than to “move in a room full of vultures.”

My propensity to deal with the bullshit is slim to none and I can’t help it. Believe me I want to be a delicate “flower.” I so desperately want to show the loving, nurturer inside of me, because it does exist. However, how can I be this person when it appears that society is set up to have you picked over rather than cherished. In our generation there is a lack of transparency within our intentions. We lie about the things we want and accept the things that lead to our own demise. All for the sake of saying we are someone’s WCW. Well I have no desire to be a WCW or accept the mediocrity of half-assed relationships for the sake of saying I have one. I’d rather wait to open up for the one who would rather see me thrive, not overcome the effects of a “situationship” that lasted too long.

Nevertheless, I still cling on to the hope that one day I am able to let my guard down and become the “delicate” flower I long to be. Transparency with me is key. I’m not looking for a savior or white knight to rescue me from the perceived bondage of past wrongdoings and lies, but rather a friend that is willing to journey with me to the sweet spot that we all desire.

Now I am aware that many would say this is nothing more than the musings of a broken woman. But believe me when I say there is nothing broken about me. I am simply the result of an effect to a cause, a delicate flower with thorns. So, if you ever come across me and find yourself profoundly interested in the taste of my nectar or the fragrance of my existence, allow me to bloom. I promise it’s worth the wait. I’ll shed the armor of my heart and show you what has been hidden all along. I’ll be your delicate flower. But until then a guarded woman is what I must remain.

-J. Noell-


3 thoughts on “Guarded…by J. Noell

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