Single Because?

The older you get, the harder it seems to be to find that RIGHT ONE, if you haven’t already.  When you reach your late 20’s and enter into your 30’s, if you haven’t found that person you intend on (hopefully) spending your life with, the dating game can definitely be frustrating and exhausting; especially if in your mind you know EXACTLY what you want.

As a 31 year old woman, there’s a lot of pressure on getting married and having kids.  When you go to family reunions and family dinners, of course, older relatives start asking “do you have a boyfriend,” and “when do you plan on getting married?” With the birth of my nephew it seems like every day my mother is asking for another grandbaby and my poor dad is READY and WILLING to get me down an aisle, meanwhile I’m just chilling wondering why everybody is trying to control my love life and my apparently “ticking” uterus.

The number one question I get from parents, relatives and even other peers is “why are you single?”  Sometimes I want to say, if I could appropriately answer that question then I probably wouldn’t be single.  But it’s really not a question where I can give a cut and dry answer.  The best I can say, is because other situations didn’t work out.  But maybe, when it comes to us late 20/early 30 year olds, the answer is a bit deeper.

In my SATQC Facebook forum, there was a question geared to the single females, asking why they were single, the same question was asked to the males and it was funny because between males and females the answers were so completely different but one thing EVERYBODY seemed to have in common was that they were tired, frustrated, exhausted and blaming the opposite sex for why they were single.

A common theme amongst the ladies was that they refused to continue to deal with “fuck boys.”  To those that aren’t aware what a “fuck boy” is, a “fuck boy” is a slang term for a trifling ass, no good ass, lying ass, cheating ass, not worth your time ass, weak ass dude.  One lady said, I refuse to settle for less I worked TOO damn hard to get where I am to settle for any fuck boys….”  Another lady said, “Cuz I’m not just gone settle for any ole’body & it’s always some FUCK Boy shit with the ones I do like.”  A very interesting reason was that, “Most men are cheaters, liars, manipulative and you get tired of the bs.”  Whew! It’s definitely obvious that there have been some hurt feelings and clearly after enough disappointment, people are fed up!!!  Personally, I don’t want to generalize and say that every man is a “fuck” boy or a liar, cheater and manipulator.  That’s not fair to say and it’s definitely not true.  Now I can admit, that I have dealt with some bullshit in my life when it comes to men but being a hopeless romantic, I’m not at a point yet where I’m ready to just give up on the entire species.  A lot of times, it seems as though we meet men who would give us the world yet we still choose to deal with the bad boys and the “fuck boys” and then blame them when everything goes south.

When it came to the men, two of the main reasons were; they don’t have enough time and they can’t find a secure woman.  To the men that said they don’t have enough time for a relationship, one of the women challenged them and said, “Y’all said you didn’t have time for a relationship. How? U have time for everything else. Buying Jordan’s. Hanging out with your boys. Etc…”  Now I can totally agree with this.  I honestly feel like a person will make time for what they want and if there is a woman that a man truly wants in his life, he will make time for her.  If it’s important to you, you will make a way, if not, you will make an excuse.  One man said “When real men say they don’t have time. It’s a purpose why. Career driven, family oriented. So when you come across a good guy who has something going for himself and he says he doesn’t have time, more than likely he’s been through some things and has no time to waste with the B.S.”  I can agree with this as well.  Men are the providers and the leaders in a household so many times they want to have themselves all the way together whether it be financial or attaining their career goals before they even make time to bring a woman apart of that and if they do, they want to be sure it’s worth the time.  But love has no guarantee and sometimes you have to step out on faith, I believe.

Another big reason that some of the men said they were single is that they were tired of dealing with insecure women.  One man was COMPLETELY over it.  He said “Because I CAN’T find a WOMAN not a girl but a WOMAN that’s not intimidated by the women that see the same thing in me that they do… I can’t find a SECURE woman that has the confidence to realize her man is something worth having and she is not going to be the only one that sees that.”  He was convinced that a lot of women are insecure and convince themselves that most men are “fuck boys” to ease their mind on why they are actually single.  I can attest and say that this was a very bold and real statement.  A lot of women are insecure and jealous however just as frustrated as he is because of things that they’ve been through.  And it’s very easy to say let go of the past but when you’ve been through so much hurt and pain, it definitely is easier to just shut down, not make time, block love and blame the opposite sex.

It’s easy to say that all men are liars and cheaters, it’s easy to say women are jealous, crazy and insecure.  But every action has an equal and opposite reaction and many times these characteristics are reactions of what we’ve done to one another.  On the flip side, blaming each other though is easy…but what about ourselves?  Are we single JUST because of each other or are we single because of ourselves?  Are we taking the time to look in the mirror and self-evaluate?  After the question was asked to men and women why they were single, I asked “what about YOU do you think is keeping you single?”  The answers were refreshing and brought a lot of “aha” moments to people.

Some of the same women that blamed the “fuck boys” were the ones that admitted to avoiding red flags and signs when they weren’t being treated right and ironically some of the same men who didn’t appreciate an insecure woman admitted to being assholes.  One man said, “I am an asshole to women who want me and sweet to the women who may not be interested. I always go for the unattainable vs the women who have my best interests in mind. I expect things to follow my lead and I got my freedom papers this year because of these things above.”  It’s ironic how some of the things that we dislike about others are direct reflections of ourselves.

When we take the time to critically think and really look at ourselves, flaws and all, in the mirror, things become a lot clearer.  I’ve blamed others for my situations and made excuses but now FINALLY at 31, I have no problem taking accountability for my own actions of why I may be single.  I still feel like I have time and I will take my time in the quest for love (although I won’t be upset if it comes like RIGHT NOW).  Until then, these are just my thoughts!


Signing off,

Ya Girl LG



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