What Are We?

You ever meet someone and everything about them you like?  They have all the qualities that you look for in a potential mate and you can just envision yourself with this person.  This person feels the same way about you as you do about them, so you start going on dates, talking on the phone, waking up to (or sending) “good morning beautiful” text messages and just the entire thought of them makes you smile.

For me, it seems like I’ve been here soooo many times.  Once you get over the initial first couple of dates and realize this is a person you want to continue on with, you do start to wonder, “what are we?” “Where is this going?” “Are we going to be together or nah?”  A lot of times in my life, I’ve avoided asking these questions either in fear that I was going to get an answer I didn’t want to hear or to just go with the flow and HOPE it would eventually fall into a relationship.  Personally, this doesn’t work for me anymore.  I’ve tried that and after giving so much of myself without a clear understanding of what we’re doing, I ended up heartbroken and disappointed when I had expectations of somebody that had no real obligation to me.  So, it’s very important that at a certain point, a relationship is defined so I can know where to place you and how to proceed with my actions and feelings.

In my Sex and the Queen City facebook forum, it seems like the topic of “titles” is a CONSTANT debate between the males and females.  Where the males feel like a “title” in a relationship doesn’t matter, most of the females feel the opposite.  One man said, “I don’t think it’s important at all.  It’s about the understanding between the two of you.” I never understood why men are so keen on an “understanding” and not just defining the relationship if they’re with somebody they want to be with.  That same man did say, “As I matured as a man, I learned that a woman of a certain caliber is going to want a title and she deserves it.  If I’m into her, I will treat her the same whether we have a title or not but for her sake and my sanity, I’m okay with a title.”  Now I can agree with this notion, however a lot of the men feel like a title is just a label and doesn’t mean you’re going to get treated any different with or without one.  One man said, “You can get loyalty from a nigga that’s your friend or get cheated/beat on by a nigga that you call boyfriend.  Titles don’t matter, the details of how you treat each other does.”  I agree with this to an extent—only an extent though because you can treat anybody good if you’re a decent person BUT without any definition in the relationship other details may be overlooked.

An example of this; I was involved with a man who I really liked. We hadn’t defined our relationship (because he wasn’t into labels) but we did everything a normal couple does; dinners, dates, Netflix and chill and of course we were intimate.  When two days passed and I had not spoken with him and I flipped out over it, first thing he said to me was, “well we’re not technically together so if I want to go two days and not talk to you, I can.”  Now I was assuming that since we had an “understanding” and he treated me pretty good, that I was a daily part of his life and he should be checking in on me every day.  But I was wrong and as he CLEARLY stated, we weren’t together which basically gave him free reign to interchange between relationship benefits and single benefits at his discretion.  This is COMPLETELY unacceptable to me and why I feel like defining a relationship is important, so we can both know that we’re on the same page and want the same things from one another.

One guy said, “Y’all [females] only want the title so you can have the rights to check a nigga.  You want the title for all the wrong reasons.”  But this isn’t true at all!  One woman challenged that and said, “There is a level of respect and expectation that allows each party to be able to hold each other accountable with entitlement.  Titles are necessary and important in every aspect of life.  It’s how we establish authority and respect people for their position.  Mom, Dad, CEO, Sargent, Supervisor, Husband, Wife are all titles—without them, there would be no limits.”

That’s my main point!  A title isn’t to show it off to friends (as some men say) or to have authority to check somebody, because honestly, one would hope they don’t have to “check” their significant other, but it’s to define the relationship and set a level of accountability and responsibility to that relationship.  I’m feeling like, if we both have the same goals about where we may want this to go, we both like one another equally and have no intentions on seeing anybody else, it should be an honor to call me your lady and me call you my man PERIOD.  It’s absolutely ridiculous to me to think somebody should get relationship benefits but not want to call it an exclusive relationship.

But hey, it’s up to the two people in that relationship to determine what works for them.  As I always say, what works for one may not work for another.  For me though, there comes a point in a relationship where I need to know what we are and what we’re doing.  But these are just my thoughts.


Until next time,

Ya Girl LG

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